Monday, May 14, 2018

Loss and Lightness

It's Mother's Day -- the first one since Peter's death.  My daughter is at home in the Pacific Northwest, wrapping up her master's degree, so I spent the day alone.  When she called this morning I told her I had three dying trees cut down yesterday, including the sweet Japanese maple Pete gave me for Mother's Day 6 or 7 years ago.  It was sickly almost from the beginning, with some sort of black disease creeping up its limbs and this year, half of it was dead. I knew it had to go.  Even so, I was sure that at some point today I would be crying yet again, mourning the loss of the tree and the man who gave it to me.

After Pete's funeral in February, when everyone had left and I was alone in our lovely home, I felt a sudden lightness, a lifting of the shroud that had encompassed us as we fought our way through chemotherapy three times a week, 90 miles away from home, and three very long hospitalizations.  I hadn't even been aware of the shroud then, I just faced each day with every ounce of strength I could muster.  I adhered to all the restrictions Pete was given after his stem cell transplant -- all 12 pages of them.  No travel,  no restaurants, no houseplants, no dogs, no gardening, no movies, no house guests, no tap water, etc., etc.  We had a new normal, and that was okay.  Whatever we had to do, we did it.  We wanted to beat the disease.

We lost the battle on February 8, five days after my daughter married her sweetheart Josh at Pete's bedside.  As rare as T-Prolymphocytic Leukemia is, it is even rarer to find anyone who survives it.  During Pete's final two weeks in palliative care, when it was clear he would not survive, Pete and I, along with his brother Clem, Clara and Josh, were able to plan his funeral and to organize all the stuff that needs doing when someone dies.  

So here I am -- three months a widow (such a very strange word!), still grieving, but moving forward a little bit at a time.  I'm working at my rug hooking again and planning a big party to celebrate Clara and Josh's marriage.  I'm catching up on deferred house maintenance and trying to garden a little bit each day.  It's good to have the sun on my back.  And just a few minutes ago I found a tiny Japanese maple seedling growing by the back porch.  I'm going to pot it up and watch it grow.

7 comments:

acorn hollow said...

I am so sorry for your loss. My husband had a bone marrow transplant 5 and half years ago. we had to travel 2 hours to Boston weekly after his month stay in the hospital. He did not have the same diagnosis as your husband. But has had other health emergencies since but knock on wood he is doing ok. MY heart aches for you I know the rules of a transplant and the sickness you have had a very hard time of it. You are in my prayers .
Cathy

LauraS said...

Nothing to say but what love and grace you are blessed with. Thoughts and prayers as you journey on...

Demoyes said...

It's hard to know what to say Sarah, since I still have my Pete. I hope that hooking and gardening and all the things you gave up to keep Pete well, will make you happier, and lighter, day by day...
Debbie @ adailydoseoffiber

Julia said...

Sarah, I am so sorry that Pete lost his battle with cancer. I want to wrap my arms around you and comfort you but it's hard to do from so far away.

Losing someone we love is so difficult but I know that time heals. After losing my daughter Nicole, I never thought that could spend a day without crying. I still find it hard to believe that she is gone but the reality has a way of seeping in little by little.

I'm so glad that you found a little shoot of the Japanese Maple growing. Another Mother's day gift from Pete.

Hugs and prayers,
Julia

Ufa88kh said...

I love all the posts, I really enjoyed, I would like more information about this, because it is very useful and working.Thank you for this wonderful Article
wordpress
blogspot
youtube
ភ្នាល់បាល់បក

Saifcarpets said...

Best company to visit ever I got many information about rugs how can be more useful in homes.
Many peoples were raised your Rug works.
Saif Carpets Pvt. Ltd. Supply best rugs and carpets in Bhadohi, Uttar pardesh, india. He is the best supplier in his own area.
https://www.saifcarpets.com/

Rati rams said...

I visited your Website page i will seeing about the lights outside the house were shining too brightly, Outdoor lighting makes the house look very decorative. Many peoples will praises your blogs such an amazing to watch.
Ratirams The Fabrication such type of a company where we organize many events successfully in jaipur, rajasthan, india.
http://ratirams.com